Daily word prompt: Struggle…
Ladies and gentlemen! Has anyone ever heard of the ‘Knicker Lasso?’
It’s a real thing!! And anyone who struggles with a bad back I’m sure will know the knicker lasso pretty well!
I won’t bore you with the ins and outs of why my back is so rubbish – it just is and has been since I was a young girl! PE at school was my nemesis!
I was never the most adept sportswoman! I often got hit by a ball as opposed to catching it, if I scored a goal it was because I was running away from the ball…. And then it would be an own goal! Shooting for a netball goal..? Forget it! And hockey…. Well I broke my toe playing it at 10years old…. It’s fair to say, naturally gifted in sport, I am NOT! So as I reached a point where pain started happening in my back, I can kind of understand why my PE teachers often gave me a ‘pull the other one, luv’ look!
A few years ago, my back got so bad I had to have an operation to remove a pretty impressive prolapsed disc!! Since then, it’s been ok but of late, (and after a very stupid and inelegant trip over a few weeks ago) I’ve been having some more challenges with it!!
The daily tasks that some may do without a second thought would, (if you were a fly on the wall in my house), look like a comedy sketch!!
Picture the scene; It’s morning. I’ve slept all night and only woken the UMPTEEN TIMES that I’ve needed to turn over (because a simple ‘twist and roll’ is a definite no-no!!) The alarm is sounding as it does and I do my usual expletives at it for daring to have only allowed me what feels like two hours sleep!! Unfortunately, I have my back to it this morning so I have to begin my morning manoeuvre….. After a number of hours laying down (ooooo-errrrr Mrs) my back has set like concrete and is refusing to help me in my ‘morning roll challenge!’ So – I start to slide my body round and twist bit by bit. The 180 degree turn looks as graceful as a humpback whale trying to pedal a unicycle on a string of spaghetti!! Only a whale would make less racket about it!
After what feels like a lifetime I’ve made it onto my left side (yippee – round of applause from me, to me!) I reach over and switch the alarm off. By this point my husband is moaning at me for leaving it going so long because it has ‘woken him up!’ Really??
Anyway – I’m now into position two of the morning roll. My next challenge is to get out of bed. My back is swearing at me just as much as I am swearing at ‘it’ by this point because it knows – it KNOWS it’s got seconds before I’m going to ask it to take the weight!!! (And there’s a lot of that these days!!) I pop both my feet onto the side of my bed, bring myself slowly onto my left elbow…. Say the ‘F’ word as I push through the stiffness, ask my hubby a romantic ‘give us a shove babe’ and then in one movement, as fluid as steel(!) I drop my feet on to the floor and find myself sitting upright on the edge of the bed! Woohoo!!! Go ME!!!
As I sit for a moment to adjust to the world being upright again, my next move is to stand up!!
As I psych myself up, I have to place both feet apart with my hands either side of me on the bed, and with hubby’s hand on my back he gives me a little shove! With my final ‘lift’ I make it into a somewhat Quasimodo position. (Honestly! My poor husband!!) I then do a little shuffle to the bathroom.
Once I am ready to get dressed, I’m feeling a little more limber. Not quite ready for yoga sesh but less solid than I was 15 minutes before! My next challenge is to get dressed!
Any of my fellow back pain sufferers may know the next move VERY well….. It’s called the Knicker Lasso!
Yes – it is a national sport in the secret ‘My Back Is Crap’ club! Now, there are two options for this game. It all depends on what level and area the nagging back is in as to which I choose.
Option 1: Laying down, stark, whatsit naked on the bed with legs at a right angle in the air. (Can you imagine the sight?! Thank heavens for blinds!!) Undies in chosen hand and …… FLING up in the air, lassoing over my right foot! This can take a few goes, but generally it’s pretty successful.
Option 2: Sitting stark, whatsit naked on the edge of the bed and like a game of Hoopla I flick those bad boys over my foot. It’s all in the wrist action!!
Option 1 is more productive when ensuring said pants are nearer to required landing site whereas Option 2 still requires a forward bend to lean and collect undies in order to fit accordingly! This is often less theatrical when you have another person to hand who can pass you the successfully placed knick-knocks!! (Cue Hubby’s third involvement of the morning!)
The same/similar process is required for trousers…. Can you imagine how long this process takes??
Anyway, once I’ve passed this stage of the day, Mr. Back is finally a little less naff and apart from climbing into and out of my car like a complete LEMON, things have finally improved.
So when you hear someone complaining about how their back hurts, or see your other half struggle with the morning ‘bend’, perhaps as an act of kindness – tell them about the Knicker Lasso….. It’s a real thing, you know!!
Lots of love,